Once apon a time I dreamed of having the picture perfect life… Three kids, two dogs, a successful career, a lovely house, and a man that was nothing less than someone that looked like Jon Snow only taller with a very successful job….. I was four, and obviously read a lot of fairy tales and still played excessively with my Ken and Barbie dolls. Then sadly, and I do mean sadly, I grew up. Lets face it, growing up is hard and we lose our dreams and goals, and what once seemed so real and accessible, we realize was our own fairytale we collaborate up as children. Now I’m not bashing true love, or fairy tales, or even marriage…. I’m just telling the tale of Brin, the hopeless romantic who just can’t seem to find her way.
Marriage: the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship
Divorce: the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body
Love: an intense feeling of deep affection or feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone
Happy: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment; fortunate and convenient
Above are four very well known words and their definitions. Now being as though they should go together like a PB&J sandwich, in reality, they don’t. Love often turns to hate, happy turns to miserable, and marriage leads to divorce. How do I know these things you might ask, I have been married not once but twice, and divorced twice= DD’s! Now before you raise your eyebrows and cast judgements, my first marriage was based on love. We got married, built the home, had the pets, but after eight years it wore on his soul and he decided he needed more and moved on thus the first divorce. Now the second marriage was completely a rebound and a huge mistake on my part. Noted: you do not know someone in one month therefore do not marry that person. Hell I didn’t really know my first husband and I was with him all those years. As I sit and look back at both marriages, I have a lot to share. Am I an expert? Hell no! I have, however, learned a lot from my mistakes and hopefully my experiences help someone else.
I have often heard “Oh honey marry for money!! Then you will be happy!” Um, no…. Though this may work for some, I personally can’t do it. Yes money can take you places and buy you pretty things but money can run out and things can disappear. Then, where will you be? That being said, you can’t live on love either. So its kind of like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t right? Not necessarily. Look everyone of us is different and we are all looking for different things when it comes to relationships and lifetime partners. My best advice is to know what you want, EXACTLY, before you take that huge step. Know what you can deal with and what you can’t. Know what deep down is truly going to make you happy and your soul fed. There is nothing more sad than a starving soul that could have been saved had you followed your heart and intuition.
That being my advice why am I 36, divorced twice, and currently not married? My answers are this. All though I married the first time for love, I didn’t however completely think the whole situation through. Had I done so, I probably would have backed out. Here is the thing, there is never a guarantee and people and circumstances change. But I stuck it out, fought like hell, sacrificed, and still got left eight years in. So, second time around. I was getting older, gaining weight as middle age spread often kicks in, lonely, absolutely hated the dating scene, and I settled. I 100% settled and married a man I dated for 1 1/2 months. Trust me I am embarrassed to even type that let alone share it in my blog but its done. That whole scenario lasted a whopping 6 months and divorce finalized before our first wedding anniversary.
Now after my first divorce I was devastated. I had lost everything it seemed and I felt that I had failed completely at the one thing I had tried so hard to keep together. I went through all the emotions and the 7 grieving phases. The second divorce I could not get out of quicker and felt like I was having an allergic reaction to marriage itself. Why so different you ask? One little word: love. Love is what pushes me and I know that it exists I see it everyday. That is why I stress so hard for people to follow their heart but to also keep an open mind and weigh out all options before taking that big step, because lets face it, divorce is ugly, its cruel, its hurtful, and it costs way to much damn money. My lawyer has got rich off my 2 cases alone! A marriage that is based on love still seems to find its way if both partners feel the same and are willing to adequately give and sacrifice for each other.
All though divorce feels like a taboo, a curse, a glooming cloud of torrential rainfall, a horrible overwhelming feeling of failure, it is not. Society and cultures have long made us feel embarrassed or tainted because of our failed marriages. In doing so people have stayed in their lifelong relationships completely miserable and void of all happy feeling. Thus leading to adulterous affairs, suicides, dependency on drugs and alcohol, porn addicted spouses, and lets not forget the kids with anger and emotional issues due to unhappy parents and a hostile home environment. I am not condoning the big D word, but this blog post is to simply let others know that divorce is not shameful nor is it anything to be humiliated by. I would much rather move on from an unhealthy marriage and be happy than to die a miserable person wishing I had done things differently in my life.
In my conclusion, my advice, if you are a divorcee there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It failed! Simple as that and things and people fail everyday. The main thing is that you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and you go on stronger and more resilient than ever. You look back at your failed attempt at marriage, or in my case marriages, and you see what you could have changed or made better and you work on that and yourself. Do not rebound and don’t be afraid to be alone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Love knows no age, color, gender, or body specifics. Love knows no boundaries. Don’t rush and know what you want and don’t want. Marriage is hard and it is a strong commitment. Like those four words above, with marriage could possibly come divorce x2 x3 or x4 but no matter how many times, always pick yourself up, learn from mistakes and never ever be ashamed of bettering yourself and finding happiness.
Below are a few recommended books to help with any issues, questions, or feelings you may have dealing with divorce. Click the book image to order!
By: Brin Harris aka Punked Up Pixie