Recently, I’ve encountered a point in my life where I felt that the weight of the entire word was sitting atop my shoulders. No amount of sleep, wine, hot water being sprayed at me, could ease the pain I was feeling…
I’ve had my heart broken before, I’ve been betrayed before, but this time around I was in complete shock. The truth is, I thought my life was finally complete. I got married, started a family, and I had someone to grow old with.
Under the pressuring circumstances of being at “that age” where I need to settle down and have a family to raise, I indeed settled. I settled for someone who showed me kindness that always came with a hidden clause. I settled for a person who only truly did things for their best interest and not mine.
At the end of the day, they had to be the one receiving all the reassurance that I would not go elsewhere for love, no matter how many times I proved to be faithful. Or even what the damn family counselor advised us…(which was to TRUST one another in order to make this work. DAMN).
As our relationship continued on, the accusations of me cheating became more hostile. I was literally walking on eggshells, doing everything I can to prevent the one I love from feeling insecure about the relationship. I couldn’t even scroll through Facebook, without worrying about them catching a glimpse of something that could be considered “giving me ideas to cheat”. Or we’d be out and about somewhere, and all of a sudden I’m checking someone out… Forgive me for having eyes that are free to see and look wherever the fucking wind blows.
I do know wholeheartedly that the issue is not whether or not I can be faithful, the issue was the fact that they refused to trust me. And you know what, I fucking completely understand that level of skepticism.
I’ll admit, in the beginning of the relationship, I am the BIGGEST skeptic of whomever takes an interest in me. I want to know every single thing about you, as well as your intentions. But guess what happens after a shit ton of time has passed and you’ve earned my trust? Yup, you guessed right…I actually stop playing detective on your fucking background check.
Once you build that trust with me, I’m happier than a kid in Disney World. Everything about you is magical to me. In my eyes, you basically poop glitter and you’re surrounded by unicorns and rainbows everywhere you walk. Once you betray my trust, you’re the devil himself and I will pretend I still have a fighting chance in heaven by staying the fuck away from you….
So…back to the feeling of the weight of the world on my shoulders…
It’s not because my relationship failed. Not at all. I felt completely helpless because I have just a few days to make so many routine/life changing decisions. It’s overwhelming!! Add onto the fact that I completely understand the child I had with this person will be the one to suffer the most in this situation. Worst part about that reality, is that none of this is my child’s fault!
Who wants to sit back and watch their child suffer? I sure as hell don’t. It’s already painful to see that my child misses the other parent so much but tries to keep a smile on their face day to day in front of everyone else who’s more than willing to be a part of her life. When, little does my child know, the parent they’re hoping and wishing to see soon has been spending all day outside the home we currently reside in. Doing nothing else but playing on their phone, drinking, and smoking cigarettes.
So much for any hope for co-parenting right? Like I’m going to trust you’ll be capable of taking care of our child when I’ve been witnessing your lack of effort to even still be her parent…. (note that in this moment, we’re still living under the same roof)
I knew I was reaching a very real level of pain and depression, and I took a step to help myself.
I chose to reach out to someone to hear me out and listen to what I’m going through. I ranted, I cried, I screamed in agony over the stress running through my head.
And now, I have put on my metaphorical (and literal) big girl panties on. I’m taking it a day at a time. And if you truly feel like there is no hope for your situation, I will be the first to tell you that you’re wrong. There is always a way to make shit happen, you just need to remind yourself that you don’t have to go through this alone. You can and will find the help you need, all you need to do is look for it.
In the interest of suicide prevention and depression advocacy, I want to tell you that talking to just one person about your situation will help you. It could be a friend, a co-worker, family, an online acquaintance. ANYBODY. You can’t keep that weight to yourself. It’s not healthy for your heart and mind, nor is it humanly possible.
And lets say you don’t have anybody to talk to, you can’t think of one person whom you could call or text. You could always call these numbers and anybody would be willing to help you:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 1-800-622-4357
Each of these numbers are open 24 hours, 7 days a week. They can direct you to depression treatment centers, provide emotional support, and get you emergency help if needed be. Best part about these free hotlines is everything is kept confidential, with respect, should you choose to remain anonymous when using their services.
If this has helped you, or you think this would help someone you may know; please do not hesitate to share.
Take it day by day, my readers.