Let me start by saying this is one of the toughest things I have ever been through. I am not trying to be insensitive to anyones feelings at this time I need to do this blog for myself. This is my way to process and grieve.
My ex husband and I were not very close after the divorce, we talked very little unless it was about our son. He text me at 4:30 Sunday night and asked to FaceTime his son.
I was confused as I never hear from him other than what time and where do you want to meet to exchange our son. My husband and I were driving home from a birthday party and we still had about 3-4 hours to go before we were home.
I responded and told him we could do it about 8-8:30 that night. We should be home and everything should be unloaded so it would be the perfect time. He simply replied ok. I didn’t realize this would be the last time I ever heard from him.
Within an hour my little families world was turned upside down. I received a phone call about a hour after the text from my ex’s mom. She was crying, I could hear his dad in the background crying.
I knew it was true but I couldn’t believe it. This man I had spent nearly 5 years with, the father of my child is dead. How do I explain this to my two year old? How do I tell him daddy is gone? So many emotions came flooding to me.
Grief, anger, remorse. I just wanted to bring him back and shake him. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to cuss him. I wanted to understand why? I still want to. I know we will never understand but why? This now two year old has to grow up without a dad.
This mother and father wonder why? What did we all do wrong? What could we have done differently? Why didn’t I take that phone call?
I don’t want to live with this anger all my life and I know one day I won’t but right now I just can’t understand why did you leave? Why did you do this to us? Please just come back and hold your son one more time.
I may not have always agreed with my ex or been happy with him but I never wanted this. I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad. I never wanted a mother and father to bury their son, brothers and aunts and uncles to wonder why? Nieces and nephews to wonder when my uncle is coming back.
I thank my ex for the years we did have together, for the wonderful and sweet boy we have. I hope in the future if anyone feels the need to do this they please seek help.
There are so many people out there that love you regardless of what you think. Suicide, depression they are real. They may not come with warning signs but they are there.
I want to end this with a message to everyone, please be kind. You never know when you have your last goodbye.