Ain’t no sunshine…
I have reached a turning point in my life. All I have ever worked for or towards means nothing. Everything I have ever thought I stood for is crap… meaningless crap. I have been an angry adolescent, unappreciative son, absent brother, unfit father, unloving husband, selfish sinner, jealous boyfriend, judging stranger, neglectful pet-owner, distant friend, and I promise you… the list continues.
To know these things and know that it all happened while I convinced myself I was doing my best. I cannot even contain the hurt, shame, and disappointment that are now as daily for me as showering, let alone explain what it feels like to accept it and feel it. It is nothing I would ever wish on anyone.
I’ve even gone most of my life giving people advice that turned out to be sound and helpful. Someone dear to me even coined the term “to Dr. Phil” because of it. Yes, you read (and then reread that correct), Dr Phil as a verb. I used to Dr. Phil people. I thought it was cute (of course, so was she *wink*). Okay, not like I was going to hide it anyways… I’m referring to my wife, but before she was my wife.
Sometimes I still wonder how I landed that girl. Obviously, things are a little different currently, if you are paying attention… I would like to think you have picked up on that. It took me a while to accept that I could only GIVE decent advice, but was horrible in my own actions. I think maybe it made me feel justified, no matter how many times I tell people that every person is different and reacts differently, I was not appreciating that when it came to my own wife. Ouch.
Today, the ending of the eleventh and now the beginning of the twelfth day since the day I came home and she was gone. The twelfth day I have had to say goodbye to my kids each night instead of goodnight. The twelfth day I have been unable to hold my wife! On this day… I finally feel fully prepared to wage war on any obstacle trying to keep me from getting my family back.
I WILL sleep next to my wife again. I WILL bring my children home and forget how to say goodbye. The only person trying to stop me is me… yeah, me… and that stops today! I always tell my children that if they are going to do anything, I want them to do it their best. Am I going to let failure be my best at being married/making her happy!? NO!
What’s making you unhappy? Who are you displacing the blame on? Yes, I said displacing. The sooner you quit blaming anyone or anything else and realize the blame is yours for not doing what it took to correct the situation, the sooner you can be happy. We like to fall back on that whole we deserve something and someone else isn’t providing it thing. Stop it! I came across a good example recently.
My wife has decided she doesn’t like talking through text during this separation; she wants to talk in person or on the phone. She has declined all invitations I have extended for dinner, ice cream, or just talking. She only wants to talk to me with a counselor and there is still another couple days until the appointment.
Wait, wasn’t there a phone option you ask? Why yes, yes there was… that’s our example. My wife knows I hate talking on the phone. Here I am thinking that she knows I hate talking on the phone so she should accept one of these invites to neutral ground to talk over a dinner or ice cream. Is that not fair? She even said that she doesn’t want to speak over text except about the kids.
Of course, I am thinking that there is absolutely no way for us to communicate if she is not creating an opportunity! You know what though, why don’t I just call her. Yeah, I DO feel like its unfair that this seems to be my only REAL option to try to talk to her, but is she not worth it? I put a ring on it and I don’t take that lightly. She will never be “worth it” because she has no value. I will be married once and only once; making her one of a kind and invaluable.
Today, I am making this twelfth day the first day. The first day that I give my wife a good morning call instead of a good morning text. The first day that we sit down together for food or ice cream with or without the kiddos. Today is the first day of my reinvention. Today will be the first day that I make my wife fall in love with me again. Today will be the first day of sunshine…
How about you?