There’s a lot of whining about not having a boyfriend going on on social media every day.
I can’t scroll through 50 posts without a sappy single status or wife me hashtag trolling across my screen. As an insomniac Facebook and Instagram sifter, I’m hearing your pleas, sister. And trust me when I say I’m cheering for you to land the perfect guy.
But it’s time to get it together. You can post your mirror selfies and make your pumpkin spice cake pops all by your own damn self, no man required. You can live your life sans boyfriend. YOU are the bomb.com.
Nevertheless, I’m happy to say I’m here to solve your problems. I’ve got the perfect solution for you, a foolproof way you can snatch up your soulmate.
One word: cat.
If you’re ready to mingle but the right guy just ain’t walking through your wide open doors, it’s time to get a cat. I’m telling you, a cat is the ultimate soulmate solution.
Think about it.
Your cat will always be home when you need him. He’ll never go out with his friends and come home smelling like booze and regret. He’ll never drunk dial your co-workers or cropdust your friends.
He’ll always be down for a weekend of Netflix and chill. Falling off the diet plan a little bit? Your cat will never hesitate when you ask him if you look fat in those jeans. Hate Stage Four Clingers? Your cat ain’t got time for that.
He’s a get in, get out kinda love. Need to go away for a girls weekend? He can take care of himself, no needy, fighty texts attached. He’s well groomed. He’s a cheap date. And he’s got the work-life ratio totally figured out.
Though he sleeps through any chance at securing a job, he’s completely debt free. No need to worry about a million dollar student loan he’s got hanging over his head from when he thought majoring in bagpiping would be a good idea. He’s in the free and clear.
I’m telling you, cats are the boyfriends of the future. They’re loyal, soft, ridiculously good looking, and they’ll put up with all of your dramatic baggage.
Cats are your answer.
I triple dog dare you to get a cat and not give it a stupid nickname for a month. It ain’t possible. Within the first five minutes of bringing our new cat home, we had already given her 75 nicknames.
You know you love something when you add Mr. to its name even when it’s a girl. You’re gonna want to call it Mr. Whiskerson. Guaranteed. Or when you add Bobo to latter half of its moniker.
As of now, my cat only responds when we call her Mango-Bobo. You can’t not love something that thinks its name is Mango-Bobo.
Already in a relationship? Cats are still a nice addition. My boyfriend and I love our cat more than we love each other. We’re okay with that. Mango-Bobo is a classy gal.
I want you to be happy, and I know you’re waiting for a sign. This is the answer for you.
If you’re wallowing in a sea of aloneness, it’s time to pull on your Ugg boots, head to a local shelter, and find your new furry mate. Get yourself a feline friend and snap some pictures of your new relationship.
Try out some new hashtags for a change. Cats of Instagram could use some fresh faces.
Then we can all move on with our lives and get back to what we all really want more of: Tasty videos.