Confessions of the 25 Year Old Newly Single Mom

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Confessions of the 25 Year Old Newly Single Mom

Being a quarter of a century old, kind of puts you in a state of  limbo if you ask me…

Like hey, I’m now old enough to be considered an adult! I can rent a car. I’ve been using online services to file my taxes every year since I first started working, and I go to bed at a decent time so that I’m functional for my 9-5 Monday through Friday job.

But there’s also the shit I have no clue about…Most recently, it’s how to go about being a newly single mom…

No one grows up and imagines their dream life including having to be the one consistent parent for your future child, and certainly no one enters a relationship with the intent to allow it to completely fail (at least, not a person who thinks logically). But how do some of you bad-ass mothers do it?

Obviously, I’m not the very first single mom to walk the earth…(bless the heart of the woman who was) so technically there’s a certain protocol for this that’s already been established somewhere. I just can’t seem to find that damn protocol…

Between finding myself as an adult, and finding myself all of a sudden without a husband/significant other, it’s challenging to understand just why this is even really happening. How in the hell did it come to this? What the fuck just happened?

Now I’m becoming a liar to my kid when I tell her “Sorry honey, Daddy isn’t here because he’s working” every time she asks for her father.

Now I’m this party-pooper who will not let her stay up past her bedtime because I’m dying for alone time to unwind.

Now I’m making unhealthy choices, overly compensating on my lack of energy by picking up fast food for every meal and chugging down five cups of coffee per day.

Now I’m becoming the asshole in my child’s life because I’m the only adult that can and will discipline her. (oh wait, I’ve always been that asshole…)

Lost. The word lost doesn’t even come close to describing where my head is and in what direction it wants to go. I want to scream and yell and ask God why, and ask what do I do now?

If there’s one thing that’s certain amidst all this chaos, is that there is a pair of eyes observing my every move. Mimicking my every word and gesture. And since I took notice of those eyes, I have to appear, sound, smell, and act completely normal. Like nothing is absolutely wrong. Otherwise, this little person mimicking me, will be mimicking the screams and cries that I let out in front of her. And I wouldn’t dare want to be the cause of the pain and fear that I would see coming from her.

So here I will stay, in limbo…

 

2017-08-02T15:49:09+00:00

About the Author:

Born in Virginia, USA. Traveled throughout north and south America by the age of 15. Believes in the magic of coffee. Finds her happy place through means of expressing what's within the depths of her mind. Has found the true meaning of love by welcoming her daughter into the world in 2015.

One Comment

  1. Utibeno August 3, 2017 at 3:23 pm

    This is beautiful. I pray for strength for you

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